My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
