Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
