Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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