Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
