Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
