New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
