Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
