What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
