Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
