i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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