Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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