My friends, they love my intelligence
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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