Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
