Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize