I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
