Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Randomize
