She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
