i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
