Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Two words: blizzard sex
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
