so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
