Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Two words: blizzard sex
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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