i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
