If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
