I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
