I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
