I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
