I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Well I just put wine in my tea
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
