the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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