She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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