everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
