Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
