My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
