how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
