hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Even my vagina gasped.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
