I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
