You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
