Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
