he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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