I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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