Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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