Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
