he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
