By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
