There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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