The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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