I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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