I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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