and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
