I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
