I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
