EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
