I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
3pm strippers are depressing
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
