look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
