Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
