Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Last time i carry you out of a forest
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
