a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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