i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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