We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
