turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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