Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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