I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
