So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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