i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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