Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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